My Plan After 50 Blog

New Years Theme

Posted by Margy:

Once again, January is here - a time to renew, refresh and recommit. Many of us make New Year’s resolutions, most evident by the lines for the treadmills and the weight benches at the local fitness center. The lines get shorter by February 1^st, and don’t exist by February 15^th. It’s not that people go into resolutions lacking in commitment to change; it’s a measure of how difficult it is to make changes in one’s life style.

Here’s an alternative I’ve learned from a friend. She identifies a theme for the year in lieu of making individual resolutions. Last year, based on a self-assessment that pointed to the need to make overall changes in her life, her theme was "Bold and Daring." Six months into the year she learned to fly and she changed employers, after working for the same company for 15 years. This year, she has identified "Compassionate Creation" as her theme. I’ll be interested to see where this approach to her life throughout 2008 takes her.

What I like about identifying a theme for the year is that this allows one to become intentionally conscious of what is important each year.  The selected theme then serves as a guide post in all aspects of one’s life. By following a singular theme throughout 12 months, meaningful change occurs without the pressure that accompanies a New Year's resolution.

Thanks to my friend’s example, as I approached 2008 I thought about what would be appropriate themes. My list consisted of:

• Gentle Contemplation
• Purpose and Meaning
• Courageous Journey
• Bravery
• Peaceful Dignity
• Adventurous Introspection
• Celebrate
• Focus
• Balance

Since my 2007 was marked with challenges and loss, I have decided to choose "Gentle Contemplation" as my theme for 2008. I will keep in mind throughout the year that I will treat myself with kindness and take time to find meaning. I will use this theme to make decisions about how I will use my time as well as my emotional, financial, and physical resources.

Happy entire New Year to you!

Resilience and Traveling

posted by Beth:

This last month my husband and I were fortunate enough to travel away from our snowy climate to the warmth of Australia. Despite our excitement about getting away from the responsibilities of our jobs and the snow that was falling in our home town, we found that life was still not perfect.

To start the trip we had travel problems due to the weather. It took us 7 hours to get from Denver to Los Angeles. Fortunately we had a late night flight leaving LA so all worked out except for the anxiousness of wondering whether we would make our connection.

The weather in Australia was not the sunny 75 degrees we had expected. Instead it was a wet 55 degrees for four days straight. We found that we had not packed the appropriate clothing for this type of weather. But, ever-resourceful, we quickly found rain jackets and umbrellas and we continued touring.

Australia has been experiencing a drought so the when the sun did shine we were besought with flies. Annoying but manageable.

Our "misadventure" continued when we arrived in Melbourne to find that the hotel reservations we had so diligently made in advance were not on the hotel docket. We found ourselves scrambling to find a place to stay that night. Happily, we found a better, less expensive hotel closer to the center of the city.

In retrospect all of these problems were just blips on the screen. We were able to deal with each of them as they arrived and did not let any of them affect our trip. In fact now they actually are a part of the fabric of the story we tell about our wonderful trip. We didn’t let the Australian flies dictate our activity and I now am the proud owner of a beautiful Australian rain jacket.

Holiday Traditions

Posted by: Margy

Family holiday traditions are important because they communicate values, build unity, and create meaningful memories. Traditions and rituals become complicated as families change due to marriages, divorces, moves, deaths and births. It might be impossible to make everyone in the family happy when planning holiday traditions but there are some strategies for minimizing conflict and maximizing togetherness.

• Plan ahead. The more complicated the family, the more time and effort you may need for planning. Decisions that are left to the last minute could lead to disappointment or anger. When plans are made and communicated to others in advance, people have a chance to get used to and accept the decisions.
• Be flexible and make sacrifices. You can combine, modify or let go of old traditions in order to keep peace in the family.
• Stay positive. Don’t get pulled into the negativity of “guilt trips,” bickering, accusations or threats. Stay positive, patient and calm when communicating with family members.
• Be creative and democratic. If you have a relatively cooperative family, try getting them together for a holiday-solutions brainstorming session.
• Keep your expectations in check. Expecting things to be perfect leads to disappointment and fatigue. You are celebrating the holidays with unique individuals who make up your family. Embrace their uniqueness instead of resisting it.

But, most importantly, remember to enjoy the holidays! And, from all of us, we wish you and yours a happy, healthy, joyful  and stress-free (as possible!) holiday season!

Keeping up with Technology

posted by Margy         

When my, now grown, kids first started downloading music and then moved on to text messaging instead of talking to one another I watched with disinterest. I told myself that technology was for the young and that I did not have the concentration or time to learn. I was satisfied to be able to send an e-mail, save a document and search for airline tickets on the Internet. Today I realize not learning all I can about technology is not an option. If I am going to continue to engage in the world around me and thrive in the world of work, I need to embrace technology and commit to learning all that I can about technology. I think that a good teacher is the key to learning and that means finding someone who is patient and can explain technology in "non-technology speak." This may mean getting my son to sit with me while I send my first text message or my colleague walking me through our new blog.

I now know that my previous assumption was woefully inaccurate: technology is not simply for the young. We all, regardless of our age, must keep up with technology and pursue all the opportunities it provides.

Rediscovering Neighbors

Posted by Paul

Here are some of my fond memories of growing up in a neighborhood:

·        Knowing all the neighbors by their first names.

·        Cutting through yards without worrying about getting in trouble.

·        Playing kick-the-can and other evening-into-nighttime games with the neighborhood kids.

·        Watching my parents interact with backyard neighbors over the fences.

·        Fences that grew and needed to be trimmed.

Over the years, I’ve become a part of what I sense is a larger problem of a lost sense of neighborhood and neighborliness. I used to blame it on my being transitory and busy. But recently, I’ve had cause to rediscover the health and happiness benefits of getting to know—and be known by—my neighbors. Wow!

·        Sitting together in a driveway with our glasses of wine, watching the sunset.

·        Laughing together about past relationship “mistakes.”

·        Commiserating together over shared pains of our adult children.

·        Watering each other’s plants while on travel excursions.

With intentionality, I’m coming to look forward to growing old(er) alongside these good people who, like me, are choosing to come out from behind our previously closed doors! Howdy, Neighbor!

Make Love, Not War...or better yet, Collaborate

Posted by Kris:

Recently, I've been reading the comments that people have been leaving on the Internet.  I've been listening to the political candidates (I live in Iowa, so it's hard not to trip over a presidential candidate right now).  In meetings and in the workplace, I watch the faces of Generation X and Y.  There's something stirring, just the slightest signs of tension. Occasionally there's a knowing instigator here and there trying to use the tension to create a rift.  Before we get so close to the edge that we can't step back from the precipice, let's reframe our situation. 

There's always been a constructive tension as one generation rises to replace the one before it.  As the Boomers grew into the footprints of the Greatest Generation, Baby Boomers too exhibited urgency to take over for their parents.  Their sheer numbers created a formidable wave in the workplace.  The world is once again on the edge of a generational "shift change."  But the numbers of workers required in the workplace and the numbers available will produce a shortfall. 

I know everyone is tired of hearing about Boomers.  I know you'd prefer the old "coasters" were gone.  We can start a generational conflict or we can collaborate to form the most powerful alliance of our time.  After all, Boomers gave the world Choice and a Voice.  The Boomers broke barriers for women, people of color and even men.  We all have far more choices in our lifestyles today because of their persistent demands for inclusion and openness.  Movements such as protecting the environment and the Peace Corps are still uniting the world in global efforts to make the planet a better place. There simply aren't enough of us to go it alone.  As they so often quote on Lost, "we can die alone or live together".  Think of the dynamics of having the power of Gen X and Y who understand technological mechanics teamed with Boomers who understand how to apply technology to solve business problems.  Instead of pitting generations against each other, let's create innovative, problem-solving teams.  This generational hand-off is about collaboration not elimination.

Long Distance Grandparenting

posted by Beth

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is very special. First and foremost you have the extreme joy of watching your child parent. Who would ever dream that this fun-loving, carefree, sometimes self centered person could suddenly turn into a loving parent who thinks only of the welfare of their child! It truly is a wonder to see the transformation that takes place between the delivery room and the nursery of a hospital.

Equally amazing is holding that grandchild for the first time and realizing that she is truly a continuation of your linage. A part of you without all the responsibilities. A bond is established that is entirely different than what you had with your child. You can love unconditionally. Grandparents can play a special role in the child’s life -- a friend, a confidante, a support, an educator, a cheerleader, a role model.

If you are fortunate enough to live near your grandchildren, these roles are easily reinforced by frequent visits. However, the reality today is that many families are separated by distance that makes long distance grandparenting the norm. How do you create and maintain a bond with this special child who you are not physically close to? Put simply, it takes some real creativity to make sure that the relationship thrives despite the distance.

In today’s technological world we long distance grandparents do have many advantages. We have the capability to continue communication despite the distance. Email, video cameras, fax machines, and cell phones all help tremendously in keeping communication open. One of the tips that I have read that makes sense is to take notes during your conversations. Make sure that you remember names of their pets, dolls, and their friends. Note special events that they may be participating in so that you can inquire about them at the next call.

Another fun idea I read about recently was to buy two copies of a book. Send one to your grandchild and then call and "read" it together. Along the same line another suggestion was to tape yourself reading the book and send it to the grandchild so that they can hear your voice.

I found a Web site that offers many ideas on how to make long distance grandparenting fun and meaningful. You might want to check this out.

But, in the end, I think the most important aspect of long distance grandparenting is to be consistent and frequent. Relationships need to be nourished. Grandparents need to find ways to let the grandchildren know that they are thinking of them regularly.

Mind Over Body Over Mind

Posted by Paul

I don’t think I’m the only one struggling with this internal conflict that accompanies aging:

• My mind’s-eye view of myself is of a twenty-something quasi-athletic person. Though this self-image is more than three decades out of date, my mind taunts my body not to give in, not to "act your age," as it were;
• On the flip side, and with increasing frequency, my body’s message to my mind is just that: "Act your age!" And my body underscores the message with longer lasting aches and pains;
• But the cycle continues, as my mind (stubborn mass of matter that it is) plans my body’s next great adventure (once the "wounds" of my last adventure have healed, that is).

And I observe real-life testimonials supporting both sides of my own inner debate:

• Those barely older than me who, yielding to the risk of pain and injury, have consigned themselves to lives of relative inactivity. (I remember my parents at what is now my own age, choosing daily walks as their form of staying in shape.)
• Those much older than me who, damning the torpedoes of life, still engage in mountain biking, triathlons, Motocross and other finger-in-the-eye-of-fate physical activities.

As a non-neutral third party to this mind-over-matter debate, I find myself rooting for both sides. I don’t like that my latest jaunt up a mountainside has left me with a slight tear in my Achilles tendon. What was I thinking taking on that challenge? And what will be the long-term ramifications of doing so?

On the other hand, I regret that one of my sons and I were unable to bike up Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park not long ago —and I’m eager to give it another try next year. "Yes," my mind replies to my body, "I know I’ll be one year older!"

I wonder at what point mind over body finally yields to body over mind.

How to help someone who is grieving

posted by Beth

Although death is a natural part of our lives, many of us are still at a loss as to how to help support someone who has lost a loved one. Many stay away because they feel so uncomfortable talking to the one who is grieving. We don’t know what to say, we don't know what to do.

Having recently been in the situation of a family loss, I have come to the conclusion that there are definitely some ways to support a grieving family member or friend that are better than others. First and foremost is to act natural. Accept the fact that the emotions surrounding the death are sometimes complex and always very real. This complexity is okay. Be there for the grieving person unconditionally. Sit next to the person and make it clear that you are there to listen. I believe that one of the biggest fears a grieving person feels is that their loved one will be forgotten, so remember that it's okay -- often appreciated -- to talk openly and directly about the person who has died. Share stories even though they may bring tears. By doing so, you are emphasizing the memories that are part of the legacy left by the person who has died. Remember that weekends, evenings, anniversaries and holidays can be extremely difficult times and that support during these times is almost always welcome. Just checking in by phone or planning an activity can be helpful.

I definitely found that there are somethings that just shouldn’t be said at the time of a death. Offering advice certainly fits into this category. Platitudes like "He’s in a better place now," "It was God’s will," "Things will go back to normal before you know it," "Time heals all wounds," "I know how you feel"," "You’ll be ok," and "You need to be strong," are all statements that minimize the reality and pain that the bereaved is feeling. Things are not going to get better and we don’t know the depth of the pain that the person is experiencing.

However, having stated the don’ts, I cannot emphasisze enough the most important "do": DO be there, in whatever capacity is required. Let them know how much you care and how sorry you are that this has happened. Even if you feel uncomfortable, provide an atmosphere in which your bereaved family member or friend has permission to talk about the person who has died, express their feelings that surround the death, or just sit and be still and savor a moment of quiet reflection. Let them know that you are in their corner no matter how they express their grief.

Why Do We Wait to Respond to the Inevitable?

Posted by: Kris

How many times have we uttered the words, "It will never happen to me." and it happened anyway?  More importantly, how many times have we said, "I knew that was going to happen." and we hadn't made any preemptive strike to avoid the result?  Despite the pressure to act, despite knowing that the consequences of not acting will be more costly than doing something, we take our chances. 

For 30+ years in corporate America I've watched the inevitable coming, urged preemptive action but to no avail and waited with the mop and a broom.  We have a talent dirth, no arguments.  We have a highly dependable, experienced and sizeable Boomer workforce that will eventually leave the workplace, no question.  We have to start thinking out of the box, and to start thinking with an eye toward the future, the immediate future. That means implementing alternative work arrangements, part-time benefit and phased retirement programs and knowledge management practices are small investments in comparison to their potential payoffs.  So if we all agree, why aren't we choosing to respond to the inevitable?